Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an experience filled with erratic ups and downs, but it's a journey that defines me. It has shaped my experiences, relationships, and perspective on the world. However, a fear often hides in the background is the fear of losing my BPD and, in a sense, losing my entire identity.
Anyone with BPD knows it’s a complex and highly challenging condition defined by emotional instability, intense mood swings, and difficulty forming and maintaining relationships. It also causes identity issues, and this is where I struggle to express and understand myself separately from my symptoms.
BPD has become a part of my identity. It's not something I chose, but I've learned to navigate and cope with it. Not only has it given me a unique perspective on the world, but it’s also taught me to be self-aware and have a deep understanding of my emotions. However, this understanding comes at a cost: I push everyone away, I have many vices, and, ultimately, I might lose this part of myself someday with my recovery.
The fear of losing my BPD is confusing. I finally found a name and a reason for everything I’ve been feeling my entire life. I fought for this. I fought to be listened to. And now that I’ve been listened to and I found my “box,” I’m supposed to want to get rid of it? Imagining my life without the emotional intensity and complexity is terrifying, and even though it can be overwhelming at times, it's also what makes me feel alive and have new experiences.
And what is possibly even scarier, is losing the support and validation from sharing my struggles with all of you. The BPD community has been a source of comfort, assurance, and understanding, and the thought of no longer belonging to this community is frightening. This community is why I’ve recovered as much as I have and have kept myself accountable.
I often feel like three different people, each with unique characteristics and challenges, but all with BPD: my impulsively erratic side, professional work side, and super active and sleepy "normal" side. There are days when my emotions are intense and unpredictable, making it difficult to predict how I'll feel from one moment to the next. My mind is a turbulent sea, and I'm just trying to stay afloat. This side of me craves validation and understanding, and it can be challenging to manage intense mood swings and fear of abandonment.
Then, when I am working, I adopt a different persona. I am organized, focused, and productive. It's the side of me that wants to prove that I can excel despite the challenges BPD presents, but I also know it’s because of the BPD that I can do this. However, maintaining this professional facade can be exhausting, especially when traveling and with others.
And finally, there's a side of me that craves "normalcy." This part wants to engage in hobbies, socialize, and lead a balanced life. But it's also the side that can fluctuate between periods of hyperactivity and exhaustion.
Even though I have “three” sides to me, they are all still built on the foundation of my BPD. To think about essentially losing, the only thing that has been a constant for me is a fear born out of attachment, and everyone with BPD knows how devastating it is to lose what we are attached to.
However, all of this is a reminder that recovery and personal growth are possible and that my identity can evolve positively. It's a journey of self-discovery, and I'm learning to embrace it, fears and all. Recovery means embracing the complexity of who I am. I've realized that these three sides of me are interconnected and make me who I am, but at the same time, I am not limited to a single identity.